In my eyes, when Self Harm Awareness is the cause I would say - Why the hell not?
Did you know that today is Self Harm Awareness Day? Don't be ashamed, I didn't.
Did you know I had a problem with Self Harm? Don't worry, nor do many people I know and love.
Self Harm Awareness day and even someone like me doesn't know about it? I say someone like me meaning someone who has self harmed and who spends their life raising awareness for Mental Health problems and supporting people who have suffered while they embark on recovery.
It goes to show doesn't it, that even though the world is waking up to the fact that Mental Illness is just as it says, an ILLNESS and not an "Issue" or a "Problem". Self Harm, in my opinion, still lives in a secretive and shame filled underworld and has been unable to break into the main stream of people awareness and understanding.
It's made me stop and think and has made me want to be more involved and am thinking of keeping this blog open, but renaming to be called Self Harm Awareness and to try and break the stigma, break the shame and break the secrecy.
That being that, lets get some awareness out....
What would my 14year old self have liked to have asked me at 26 year old?
1: Why do you do it?
To cope with life and to cope with my inability to deal with difficult emotions. The common misconception about self harm - especially the cutting of wrists - is that it is an attempt at suicide. It is not at all. I used to self harm to stop myself from committing suicide. In fact the only time I have attempted suicide was when I was in partial care and unable to self harm, I turned to suicide.
I have always had troubles with anxiety, in fact my official diagnosis is "Heightened Anxiety - manifesting in Self Harm and Disordered Eating (Anorexia Nervosa)" - taken word for word off my notes from the Hospital when I was first admitted... This anxiety is caused by my inability to process difficult emotions and also because I would create difficult emotions because I have an utterly awful view of myself. Causing me to blame myself for everything that goes wrong that can be linked to me.
When these emotions and the anxiety get too much it feels like; my blood is boiling - I am so angry, so hateful. I am so full of emotions I can't deal with alone but can't put into words to other people, that I need to release the pressure some other way. It's almost as if the process of bleeding releases all the bad that is in me. The process of cutting and causing pain makes me feel like I have paid for all the things I have done wrong.
To summarise: I self harm to keep living; not to stop living.
2: Are you seeking attention?
This is a difficult question to answer:
On one side yes: Self Harm is, in a way, a cry for help. You are expressing, in a physical form, that you are having difficulties and that you aren't coping.
But No. No because, I am not seeking attention like looking to be"cool", not looking for people to mollycoddle me. I am not looking for people to come running, I am just wanting to show them that I am hurting inside.
Also: Can it really be attention seeking when no one knows? For Example. I self harmed last week and I have told "two" people. I use the "two" because one person is this blog. The second is my partner - not that I told my partner for any other reason than because, well sometimes you just gotta get naked ;-).
When I self harm, i don't put it out on my Facebook status, I don't call my parents and say "I just self harmed, show me some love", I don't ring my partner and say "I'm bleeding, love me more". No, I sit in silence, I sit in shame and I do my hardest to hide it.
Imagine living a life when you can only wear a short sleeve in the comfort of your own bedroom because you don't want your work colleagues, you housemates or even your closest friends to know that you have done such a thing to yourself? Because showing them the scars is like revealing to them all the shameful things you have done and thought, because showing them your scars is like showing them exactly how much of a horrible person you are.
Not because I am a bad person, not because I have done a million and ten bad things but because its how I feel about myself.
There is also that issue about if I do show people them, they'll think I was trying to end it all and well that just makes things damn awkward doesn't it?
3: Will anyone understand why I do it?
Yes. Plenty of people will accept and understand why you do it, but it ultimately has to begin with you seeking help and speaking to someone.
Most professionals now will accept that it is an illness and that it is not an attempt at suicide and you will get referred to someone who can help.
Talking to people you love and people who are close to you could still be hard. Without a deep understanding of yourself and a strength to put your word out there. You might struggle to get across exactly why it is you are doing it.
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I hope the above has helped, I think it has helped me.
I last self harmed just a little over 24 hours ago. The journey is long, but it will be worth it.
So, back to my opening comments.
Self Harm seems to be far too quiet and not open enough in society. It makes me think about Male Eating Disorders of about 2-3 years ago, where it was so rarely heard of and so difficult for men to know where to go for support or to hear of other people who were in the same boat as them. yes, Men's Eating Disorders still have a long way to go, but Self Harm is further behind.
Eating Disorders generally seem to be filled with an amount of shame and secrecy but it has always felt to me, and especially in my case, that Self Harm is even more secretive and full of shame. We need to break this.
