Why am I doing this?
B-eat kicked off EDAW by launching their campaign to gain guidelines for press to follow when doing articles on Eating Disorders. In their four page report, I think it is fair to say, they made everyone re-think what they thought about Eating Disorders. Here are some bullet points:
- B-eat asked if the general public if they could name a type of eating disorder. 72% said anorexia. Only 3% said binge eating.
- Anorexia is the rarest eating disorder, only 10% of cases
- Over 80% of people with an eating disorder are overweight.
B-eat's reasoning for publishing this was to illustrate to the public and also media that putting pictures of emaciated sufferers along with articles, in the name of awareness, is actually harming sufferers. But I think they have made everyone, even people with an Eating Disorder think again and open their minds to what an Eating Disorder looks like.
But, why am I combining my blogs this evening?
EDAW has also made some sufferers start to reflect about where they are in their life, where in their recovery are they?
I am one of those people. In last nights blog under [Random Reflections] I admitted in my blog, and to myself, that I appear to be struggling a lot more than I have realised in recent times. Which brings me, in a rather long drawn out way to the topic of my blog today. What I was thinking about; on the way to, during and on the way home from work today.
What Does Recovery Look Like?
- achieving a healthy weight
- feeling happy
- feeling happy with me
- being able to get through difficult times without resorting to unhealthy coping strategies
- dealing with the past and not letting it hold you back in the now
These were quite obvious really weren't they. It was almost an anti climax.
But what does that actually look like? I have achieved a healthy weight, I am happy and am happy with me, I am able to get through the majority of difficult days and I have dealt with my past, or at least my past does not hold me back. But I am still struggling.
But, the list above is what I would say my recovery looks like. It might be different for other people. Just like the causes and the manifestation of every sufferer are different. Recovery will also be different.
It may comprise of some of the same things, it may be all the same things. But they may take longer, or shorter or they might happen in a different order.
So recovery will look like whatever you need it to?
I would say, probably not.
There is one part of the cause of my illness that I have never spoken to my psychologist about, I have never really spoken to anyone on this earth about it.
Recently I have considered whether this is the one thing that is holding me back, stopping me from crossing the finish line to becoming totally recovered.
But, I have thought long and hard and thought short and soft too. I have thought every single way about things on this one and I had made the decision that I have dealt with it as much as I need to. To speak about it, will be to drag it all up again, to effectively re-live it again. Which could in the short term cause me a lot of distress.
The thing for me was to make sure that this thing is not still eating away at me and is not holding me back. It isn't, I have dealt with it. In fact I hardly ever even think about it - usually only when I am in the midst of a restriction does it enter my consciousness.
For me, I just needed to deal with the ingrained hatred I have for myself because of this and all the other stuff. I have dealt with all of that in my own way. But, when something goes wrong in the world do I always put myself down, always blame me and never open my eyes to think that it might be someone else's fault!?
It is this that I need to deal with.
Why do I mention all of this? because most people - including some of the people I know who will read this blog - will say that I need to talk about all of this, that I need to go through it all to really gain the self acceptance the self esteem to really grab Anorexia by the balls and kill it. I would probably say that if I showed this to my psych they would also say I need to get it all out.
But I don't think I need to. I just need to deal with the outcomes, not the cause.
So recovery doesn't look like what you need it to, well in my case I don't believe it does.
Also, on this point. Every single person in the world who suffers from and Eating Disorder needs to recover. But some people don't recover. Why is that?
probably for many reason. One of the things that really does aid recovery is actually wanting to recovery.
This will probably sound quite weird to someone reading from the outside, but when I went through several attempts at recovery that ultimately failed. I didn't want to recover. I liked what I was doing, it was working, it wasn't scary, I didn't have the strength to beat it.
So, Recovery is, what you want it to be?
Probably not.
Because, 2 years down the line. Although for the right reasons, I made a massive mistake by not talking about everything. Here I am with a job, partner, house, friend and everything to live for. But I am still struggling, I am still being held back by my past. All because I didnt want to do what some people will say I need to do.
But now, after building my life back from nothing, to actually having something to lose. There is a massive risk in dragging it all up, upsetting the balance. But if I dont will I just continue to float, unable to fly?
I'm starting to think this is the case.
I'm not getting anywhere am i? So recovery is what you want and need it be?
I think ultimately.
When you are choose to recover from whatever ED is of your choosing, its like having headphones that are knotted and tangled up.
Recovery is the process of unravelling them - I know you have all been there
There is probably a million different ways of untangling it. But eventually, even if you try and avoid it, you will have to tackle that bloody big massive f**k off knot in the middle that you're dreading.
But once you do, you are able to listen to the sweet sweet music of life.
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