That's right... Its quiz night.
I am off at 7:30 to take part in (I have been planning, but I wanted to also enjoy the night because I feel like I deserve it) a pub quiz. All proceeds going to the two ED Charities who have helped me in the past (B-eat and Anorexia Bulimia Care)
To mark this. I decided to hold a quiz in work this morning - an Actual ED awareness quiz. Can I just say, I was surprised by the results and also slightly pleased with myself
1: What weight do you have to be to be classed as anorexic?
one of my collegues said - "about a stone?" jokely. But then in the more serious side the answer written down was: Surely the weight isnt the issue.
2: How many different Eating Disorders are there and can you name them?
Answers:
Anorexia, Bulimia, Overeating,Manorexia.... Exercise?
We discussed then a little about whether excessive/compulsive exercise was actually classed as an Eating Disorder as it doesn't actually relate to actual food, it is more the excersise.
3: What can cause an Eating Disorder?
Answer:
Wanting to lose weigh,
Sadness
Depression
Bullying
Difficult family relationship as a child
I concluded with them, that almost anything could if the person in question cannot deal with it.
4: Do I look like I had an Eating Disorder
Apart from your Self Harm Scars, not really.
Question 4 was quite a difficult one for me. I have never spoken openly about my issues in work, but I have never hid my tireless work I do for Eating Disorders. Come back to me on what I feel about the Self Harm Scar issue. I hadnt realised that anyone in work had seen them... ooooops.... teaches me for being open.
So, I have to say that my team in work seem to be quite clued up on EDs. I was really quite impressed with their answers and pleased on their knowledge of the subject. I have spoken about Eating Disorders before but not openly in the group.
So... A short one tonight, I am sorry but I am off to Quiz night and personally hoping that they rig it so that the actual anorexic wins! ;-)
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
#EDAW Day 3 - 23.02.11 - What does Recovery actually look like?
For Tonight's post, my blogs are colliding. I am writing the same thing under both headings I currently write under. [Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2011] and also [Random Reflection].
Why am I doing this?
B-eat kicked off EDAW by launching their campaign to gain guidelines for press to follow when doing articles on Eating Disorders. In their four page report, I think it is fair to say, they made everyone re-think what they thought about Eating Disorders. Here are some bullet points:
The thing for me was to make sure that this thing is not still eating away at me and is not holding me back. It isn't, I have dealt with it. In fact I hardly ever even think about it - usually only when I am in the midst of a restriction does it enter my consciousness.
Why am I doing this?
B-eat kicked off EDAW by launching their campaign to gain guidelines for press to follow when doing articles on Eating Disorders. In their four page report, I think it is fair to say, they made everyone re-think what they thought about Eating Disorders. Here are some bullet points:
- B-eat asked if the general public if they could name a type of eating disorder. 72% said anorexia. Only 3% said binge eating.
- Anorexia is the rarest eating disorder, only 10% of cases
- Over 80% of people with an eating disorder are overweight.
B-eat's reasoning for publishing this was to illustrate to the public and also media that putting pictures of emaciated sufferers along with articles, in the name of awareness, is actually harming sufferers. But I think they have made everyone, even people with an Eating Disorder think again and open their minds to what an Eating Disorder looks like.
But, why am I combining my blogs this evening?
EDAW has also made some sufferers start to reflect about where they are in their life, where in their recovery are they?
I am one of those people. In last nights blog under [Random Reflections] I admitted in my blog, and to myself, that I appear to be struggling a lot more than I have realised in recent times. Which brings me, in a rather long drawn out way to the topic of my blog today. What I was thinking about; on the way to, during and on the way home from work today.
What Does Recovery Look Like?
- achieving a healthy weight
- feeling happy
- feeling happy with me
- being able to get through difficult times without resorting to unhealthy coping strategies
- dealing with the past and not letting it hold you back in the now
These were quite obvious really weren't they. It was almost an anti climax.
But what does that actually look like? I have achieved a healthy weight, I am happy and am happy with me, I am able to get through the majority of difficult days and I have dealt with my past, or at least my past does not hold me back. But I am still struggling.
But, the list above is what I would say my recovery looks like. It might be different for other people. Just like the causes and the manifestation of every sufferer are different. Recovery will also be different.
It may comprise of some of the same things, it may be all the same things. But they may take longer, or shorter or they might happen in a different order.
So recovery will look like whatever you need it to?
I would say, probably not.
There is one part of the cause of my illness that I have never spoken to my psychologist about, I have never really spoken to anyone on this earth about it.
Recently I have considered whether this is the one thing that is holding me back, stopping me from crossing the finish line to becoming totally recovered.
But, I have thought long and hard and thought short and soft too. I have thought every single way about things on this one and I had made the decision that I have dealt with it as much as I need to. To speak about it, will be to drag it all up again, to effectively re-live it again. Which could in the short term cause me a lot of distress.
The thing for me was to make sure that this thing is not still eating away at me and is not holding me back. It isn't, I have dealt with it. In fact I hardly ever even think about it - usually only when I am in the midst of a restriction does it enter my consciousness.
For me, I just needed to deal with the ingrained hatred I have for myself because of this and all the other stuff. I have dealt with all of that in my own way. But, when something goes wrong in the world do I always put myself down, always blame me and never open my eyes to think that it might be someone else's fault!?
It is this that I need to deal with.
Why do I mention all of this? because most people - including some of the people I know who will read this blog - will say that I need to talk about all of this, that I need to go through it all to really gain the self acceptance the self esteem to really grab Anorexia by the balls and kill it. I would probably say that if I showed this to my psych they would also say I need to get it all out.
But I don't think I need to. I just need to deal with the outcomes, not the cause.
So recovery doesn't look like what you need it to, well in my case I don't believe it does.
Also, on this point. Every single person in the world who suffers from and Eating Disorder needs to recover. But some people don't recover. Why is that?
probably for many reason. One of the things that really does aid recovery is actually wanting to recovery.
This will probably sound quite weird to someone reading from the outside, but when I went through several attempts at recovery that ultimately failed. I didn't want to recover. I liked what I was doing, it was working, it wasn't scary, I didn't have the strength to beat it.
So, Recovery is, what you want it to be?
Probably not.
Because, 2 years down the line. Although for the right reasons, I made a massive mistake by not talking about everything. Here I am with a job, partner, house, friend and everything to live for. But I am still struggling, I am still being held back by my past. All because I didnt want to do what some people will say I need to do.
But now, after building my life back from nothing, to actually having something to lose. There is a massive risk in dragging it all up, upsetting the balance. But if I dont will I just continue to float, unable to fly?
I'm starting to think this is the case.
I'm not getting anywhere am i? So recovery is what you want and need it be?
I think ultimately.
When you are choose to recover from whatever ED is of your choosing, its like having headphones that are knotted and tangled up.
Recovery is the process of unravelling them - I know you have all been there
There is probably a million different ways of untangling it. But eventually, even if you try and avoid it, you will have to tackle that bloody big massive f**k off knot in the middle that you're dreading.
But once you do, you are able to listen to the sweet sweet music of life.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Day 2 of #EDAW- 22.02.11
Tuesday:
It all, you could say, seams to have gone quiet. If I am honest, there was part of me returning home from work today that felt a bit of disappointment that there wasn't any exciting announcements or initiatives.
It all sort of felt like yesterday was the peak and now there is nothing.
Maybe it is just my opinion, but it has gone sort of quiet on a national scale. But, there is a lot going on up and down the country still. Nothing big, nothing ground breaking but that is not to say it is not worthwhile. It is almost the best.
We aren't going to get much respect by going along, hijacking Sky News and broadcasting to the world and holding them all to ransom. We need to go out, do the little things, the local radio interviews, the paper interviews. Do it subtly, but do it right.
I wrote yesterday about @ilonacatherine's blog, well she was off onto BBC Radio this afternoon and she did exactly what I would say was needed. Putting the interviewer in their place straight away by saying "That's the point, it isn't about food" - This is not a quote, but it is close to what was said. She talked openly about how she is not healthy, but is still considered a healthy weight. It was an amazing interview.
it is all these things that will work. If we go out and speak openly, honestly and professionally about things then we will gain the much needed respect that has been missing in previous times.
But, I do feel now that EDAW has moved to a period of being there for the sufferer. Everyone everywhere is going out blogging, tweeting, doing radio, newspapers etc etc etc about Eating Disorders. What happens if someone is sitting around having their morning black coffee and not alot else and hears about how great recovery is, how great life is? well they need support, they need to know where to go.
And that is where EDAW has now moved towards. B-eat are out and about doing open nights, information drops and the like around the country. So, if any sufferer is out there and has that light bulb moment, they have somewhere to go!
What else is going on.
Well in the land of Interweb - Alot, as ever is going on.
My personal favourite at the moment, is @KatieGreenBeen (Fellow #learningtolaugh founder). Katie is hosting a five day virtual dinner party. That right - its not real food (however I am assured that she is eating the not so virtual stuff too! Starvation is as she says, so ten years ago).
Last night Katie laid the table and gave everyone their set menu for the week. Tonight, she will be serving Carrot and Orange Soup along with some general judgements and misconceptions of eating disorders. Everyone is welcome - http://katiegreenbean.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-starving.html
@findingmelissa has also returned to her blogging for the week and has written very well about how she feels this week and where she is struggling. http://www.findingmelissa.co.uk/2011/02/eating-disorder-awareness-week-2011/
I think the other blog of note, is a little bit more raw, but is a letter to Anorexia "to be free" and can be found here - http://too-be-free.livejournal.com/2391.html
Sadly, I cant find the person who wrote it. I did know, but I lost the note I made.
So what are all of these blogs about? They are written by sufferers, for sufferers. They are there to educate people about Eating Disorders, but also to let people who may be concerned about their own personal well being, that they are not alone.
That is the best thing about EDAW. Not the amazing awareness, the show stopping headlines that b-eat may get with their latest initiative.
It is a week where sufferers can actually begin to realise that they are not alone, they are not freaks. They are just unwell but they can be cured.
That's right kids. Eating Disorders, just like Man United, can be beaten.
You are not alone.
www.b-eat.co.uk
www.mengetedstoo.co.uk
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/pages/Learning-to-Laugh/203227313024056
It all, you could say, seams to have gone quiet. If I am honest, there was part of me returning home from work today that felt a bit of disappointment that there wasn't any exciting announcements or initiatives.
It all sort of felt like yesterday was the peak and now there is nothing.
Maybe it is just my opinion, but it has gone sort of quiet on a national scale. But, there is a lot going on up and down the country still. Nothing big, nothing ground breaking but that is not to say it is not worthwhile. It is almost the best.
We aren't going to get much respect by going along, hijacking Sky News and broadcasting to the world and holding them all to ransom. We need to go out, do the little things, the local radio interviews, the paper interviews. Do it subtly, but do it right.
I wrote yesterday about @ilonacatherine's blog, well she was off onto BBC Radio this afternoon and she did exactly what I would say was needed. Putting the interviewer in their place straight away by saying "That's the point, it isn't about food" - This is not a quote, but it is close to what was said. She talked openly about how she is not healthy, but is still considered a healthy weight. It was an amazing interview.
it is all these things that will work. If we go out and speak openly, honestly and professionally about things then we will gain the much needed respect that has been missing in previous times.
But, I do feel now that EDAW has moved to a period of being there for the sufferer. Everyone everywhere is going out blogging, tweeting, doing radio, newspapers etc etc etc about Eating Disorders. What happens if someone is sitting around having their morning black coffee and not alot else and hears about how great recovery is, how great life is? well they need support, they need to know where to go.
And that is where EDAW has now moved towards. B-eat are out and about doing open nights, information drops and the like around the country. So, if any sufferer is out there and has that light bulb moment, they have somewhere to go!
What else is going on.
Well in the land of Interweb - Alot, as ever is going on.
My personal favourite at the moment, is @KatieGreenBeen (Fellow #learningtolaugh founder). Katie is hosting a five day virtual dinner party. That right - its not real food (however I am assured that she is eating the not so virtual stuff too! Starvation is as she says, so ten years ago).
Last night Katie laid the table and gave everyone their set menu for the week. Tonight, she will be serving Carrot and Orange Soup along with some general judgements and misconceptions of eating disorders. Everyone is welcome - http://katiegreenbean.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-starving.html
@findingmelissa has also returned to her blogging for the week and has written very well about how she feels this week and where she is struggling. http://www.findingmelissa.co.uk/2011/02/eating-disorder-awareness-week-2011/
I think the other blog of note, is a little bit more raw, but is a letter to Anorexia "to be free" and can be found here - http://too-be-free.livejournal.com/2391.html
Sadly, I cant find the person who wrote it. I did know, but I lost the note I made.
So what are all of these blogs about? They are written by sufferers, for sufferers. They are there to educate people about Eating Disorders, but also to let people who may be concerned about their own personal well being, that they are not alone.
That is the best thing about EDAW. Not the amazing awareness, the show stopping headlines that b-eat may get with their latest initiative.
It is a week where sufferers can actually begin to realise that they are not alone, they are not freaks. They are just unwell but they can be cured.
That's right kids. Eating Disorders, just like Man United, can be beaten.
You are not alone.
www.b-eat.co.uk
www.mengetedstoo.co.uk
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/pages/Learning-to-Laugh/203227313024056
Monday, 21 February 2011
21st February 2011 - Day 1
Well Here We are... Eating Disorder Awareness Week has started.
What happened today? Well I woke up early and abused @nickinoxford a bit as he was up at stupid o'clock to go off and do some radio interviews. I went to work (in London and then back to home office) and then finished at just before 4 pm for a psychology appointment.
Just like a top athlete going to physio before a big race.. I go to psych before a big week.. Am feeling very very motivated for the week ahead.
So, major news for the day I would say is the Media Report that b-eat (Twitter: @BeatED Web: http://www.b-eat.co.uk/)
You can find there report from their home site for EDAW11 here:
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Events/EDAW2011
I think at this time I should state.
I LOVE THIS INITIATIVE
For my very own personal reasons when I have ever done media interviews, I have not ever talked about my weight - be it now, or then - I just do not think it is helpful. Mentioning figures or showing pictures only gives sufferers a target (a dangerous target) to aim for.
In the report there was also two things that really struck me:
There is still place for us to talk and raise awareness of Anorexia, but maybe we need to re-think the way we do it and to do it in a more general way.
While I write this, I am helping a Binge Eater write a blog about her struggles. The way she has described her Binge Eating Disorder is exactly the same as how my Anorexia made me feel, it caused the majority of similar psychological outcomes. (http://bingeed.tumblr.com/aboutlisa)
Maybe if, as b-eat says, we can stop focusing on the headline of weight and death and disaster and start talking about actually the way the ED made us feel (nothing to triggering) Actually talk about the ED not the symptoms. We will go a long way to making people who are lucky enough to no to, understand them more.
Just a thought.
So what else has gone on today?
Well a little bit early as it came through last night. Men Get Eating Disorders Too (Twitter: @MGEDT Web: http://www.mengetedstoo.co.uk/ ) launched a membership scheme a vital part to any national charity to raising funds and also in obtaining steering in their direction.
@ilonacatherine kicked off her EDAW blogging with a heartfelt and emotional blog ( http://blogs.independent.co.uk/2011/02/20/my-names-ilona-and-im-an-anorexic/)
#learningtolaugh is starting to gain some momentum with 22 likes on our facebook page and quite a few comments and sharing of information. If you haven't found us yet, we are here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/pages/Learning-to-Laugh/203227313024056
What a 24 hours it has been. only 96hours left!!
Keep up the good work.
What happened today? Well I woke up early and abused @nickinoxford a bit as he was up at stupid o'clock to go off and do some radio interviews. I went to work (in London and then back to home office) and then finished at just before 4 pm for a psychology appointment.
Just like a top athlete going to physio before a big race.. I go to psych before a big week.. Am feeling very very motivated for the week ahead.
So, major news for the day I would say is the Media Report that b-eat (Twitter: @BeatED Web: http://www.b-eat.co.uk/)
You can find there report from their home site for EDAW11 here:
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Events/EDAW2011
I think at this time I should state.
I LOVE THIS INITIATIVE
For my very own personal reasons when I have ever done media interviews, I have not ever talked about my weight - be it now, or then - I just do not think it is helpful. Mentioning figures or showing pictures only gives sufferers a target (a dangerous target) to aim for.
In the report there was also two things that really struck me:
- Over 80% of people with an Eating Disorder are overweight.
- Anorexia is the rarest Eating Disorder (10% of cases)
There is still place for us to talk and raise awareness of Anorexia, but maybe we need to re-think the way we do it and to do it in a more general way.
While I write this, I am helping a Binge Eater write a blog about her struggles. The way she has described her Binge Eating Disorder is exactly the same as how my Anorexia made me feel, it caused the majority of similar psychological outcomes. (http://bingeed.tumblr.com/aboutlisa)
Maybe if, as b-eat says, we can stop focusing on the headline of weight and death and disaster and start talking about actually the way the ED made us feel (nothing to triggering) Actually talk about the ED not the symptoms. We will go a long way to making people who are lucky enough to no to, understand them more.
Just a thought.
So what else has gone on today?
Well a little bit early as it came through last night. Men Get Eating Disorders Too (Twitter: @MGEDT Web: http://www.mengetedstoo.co.uk/ ) launched a membership scheme a vital part to any national charity to raising funds and also in obtaining steering in their direction.
@ilonacatherine kicked off her EDAW blogging with a heartfelt and emotional blog ( http://blogs.independent.co.uk/2011/02/20/my-names-ilona-and-im-an-anorexic/)
#learningtolaugh is starting to gain some momentum with 22 likes on our facebook page and quite a few comments and sharing of information. If you haven't found us yet, we are here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/pages/Learning-to-Laugh/203227313024056
What a 24 hours it has been. only 96hours left!!
Keep up the good work.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Sunday 20th Feb 11 - Day Before the Week
I struggled with ideas on what to do for EDAW this year. I didn't want to do many, if any, radio interviews this year as they have caused me problems/triggers in previous years. I also couldn't commit to anything major due to not being able to take the time off of work.
I pondered things slightly.
I didn't want to write to Downing Street and MPs again this year as I am feeling slightly at ease with the general movements towards health provisions. So didn't feel like I needed to jump on that again this year.
I am continuing with my contacting of social network sites, search engines and ISPs about trying to remove Pro-Ana sites and also to try and make it easier for people to find healthy supportive sites, but this is ongoing so didn't feel I warranted a massive push this week.
So I didn't really have a direction.
Then I linked up with a couple of people on twitter (@issawolfe and @nickinoxford) who had an idea about a potential tweet-up or a twitter based awareness campaign.
After a few weeks of discussions, they had come up with what is possibly one of the best initiatives I have heard of.
#learningtolaugh
An awareness campaign but one where people who are in recovery can spend time focusing on that.
EDAW sometimes can be a very backward looking week where people focus on the illness. We have created a space where people will be able to focus on recovery and be able to laugh.
As soon as I heard about Learning to Laugh, I loved it. In all the years I was suffering with Anorexia i used to laugh, but it was never real. I never knew how to laugh properly, I didn't know how to enjoy things, I didn't want to enjoy life.
Recovery is a process of learning, but learning to laugh is when I felt like I was able to really enjoy life, live for life and be happy again.
I have learned to laugh, but I have not totally recovered, but at least now I know how to laugh I have something to really fight for in the darker times.
So to anyone who is recovering or is thinking about recovering from an Eating Disorder, spend this week thinking about all the good that recovery will bring... spend some time to look forward and spend some time, laughing.
use #learningtolaugh to spread the word that recovery is a happy process and spread awareness.
Use our Facebook site ( http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Learning-to-Laugh/203227313024056 ) to link up with people who might be able to help you or just to share things with others.
Eating Disorder Awareness Week is for everyone. Enjoy
I pondered things slightly.
I didn't want to write to Downing Street and MPs again this year as I am feeling slightly at ease with the general movements towards health provisions. So didn't feel like I needed to jump on that again this year.
I am continuing with my contacting of social network sites, search engines and ISPs about trying to remove Pro-Ana sites and also to try and make it easier for people to find healthy supportive sites, but this is ongoing so didn't feel I warranted a massive push this week.
So I didn't really have a direction.
Then I linked up with a couple of people on twitter (@issawolfe and @nickinoxford) who had an idea about a potential tweet-up or a twitter based awareness campaign.
After a few weeks of discussions, they had come up with what is possibly one of the best initiatives I have heard of.
#learningtolaugh
An awareness campaign but one where people who are in recovery can spend time focusing on that.
EDAW sometimes can be a very backward looking week where people focus on the illness. We have created a space where people will be able to focus on recovery and be able to laugh.
As soon as I heard about Learning to Laugh, I loved it. In all the years I was suffering with Anorexia i used to laugh, but it was never real. I never knew how to laugh properly, I didn't know how to enjoy things, I didn't want to enjoy life.
Recovery is a process of learning, but learning to laugh is when I felt like I was able to really enjoy life, live for life and be happy again.
I have learned to laugh, but I have not totally recovered, but at least now I know how to laugh I have something to really fight for in the darker times.
So to anyone who is recovering or is thinking about recovering from an Eating Disorder, spend this week thinking about all the good that recovery will bring... spend some time to look forward and spend some time, laughing.
use #learningtolaugh to spread the word that recovery is a happy process and spread awareness.
Use our Facebook site ( http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Learning-to-Laugh/203227313024056 ) to link up with people who might be able to help you or just to share things with others.
Eating Disorder Awareness Week is for everyone. Enjoy
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